Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
