Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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