Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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