Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
