is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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