Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
