I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The beer is more important than you right now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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