saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
