saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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