I accidentally burped into my bong.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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