So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
