I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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