you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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