i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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