Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
