This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
cat food counts as protein by the way
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize