Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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