Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
