This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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