My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
