No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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