I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
