Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
