New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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