Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
