U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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