just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
