I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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