Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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