Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
