Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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