saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
