you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
