I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
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I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
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No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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