the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
