I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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