it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
