So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
