I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
