I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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