Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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