I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
