i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
