2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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