i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
