I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
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I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
soo... how was my night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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