I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
