Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
