i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
