i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
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So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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