Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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