He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
