Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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