just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
