Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so let's talk penis.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
