from now on my penis is your penis
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
