MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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