im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
