last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
