life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
