Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
