my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
