im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
